click-the calendar girl murders pic 2

Click: The Calendar Girl Killer (1990)

Click: The Calendar Girl Killer (1990)

Directed by John Stewart & Ross Hagen

Starring Ross Hagen, Tony Donahue, Dona Spier

Remarkably stupid film, a complete waste of time, the most entertaining movie I’ve seen in weeks – All of the above could be used to describe this unbelievable movie.

It opens with models parading in bikinis sporting assorted weaponry – crossbows, swords, rifles etc… One of these models is Dona Spier (previous mention of this virtually unknown model has brought so many Google searchers to this site it may as well be her own), who unfortunately has a very small role in the first ten minutes but the beginning is set up as if she is to be the main heroine. Go figure.

This is an extremely eighties soft core bikini shoot – Blue studio, California bodies, gold bikinis, wind blown permed hair and sleazy saxophone music – you know the drill. After the bimbo montage and credit sequence we see a young boy sitting in the corner crying as an overweight middle-aged nurse screams and humiliates him. Cut to a grown man applying lip stick, shaving his body hair and attacking a mirrored medicine-cabinet with a carving knife. Oooh… the sleaze oozes from the television screen and laps at your groin like a salivating three-legged mongrel.

Suddenly we are witnessing a wild party with an all-girl glam-rock band poorly lip-synching to an atrociously awful power ballad. Beautiful people (and a few ugly ones) are really digging the rock’n’roll, dancing and drinking until an unfortunate event where Ms Spier is accidentally knocked into the jacuzzi. This accidental drenching leads to the organiser of the party asking the band to stop and for all of the guests to go home. Me thinks that was a little drastic.

As Spier dries herself off, we are introduced to photographer Jack who convinces her rather quickly to disrobe and pose for his calendar . Oddly enough before she was pushed into the spa Spier was questioning the artistic validity of the nudity in Jack’s work. This is a reoccurring scenario in this film, characters attitudes towards each other reverse with very little reason. In one scene two boof-heads fist fight, after knocking the other guy out he extends his friendship and the two discuss girl problems like old school chums. Am I missing something here? Anyway, the photo shoot sequence layers on the soft-focus, slow-motion, wind-blowing cheese so thick, by the time Spier exposes her buttocks you’ll be praying for less nudity and more of that murder we were promised.

Spier’s dramatic revealing of bum-cakes is the last we see of her character. I kept wondering if she would reappear throughout the film, but I guess that whole long-winded sequence was set up to drill into our thick craniums that Jack is a photographer of naked women.

Jack has a great idea for his next calendar: sex and violence. He believes this concept is so original that he likens himself to Picasso and Rembrandt. He plans a secluded photo shoot with a small group of female and male models. The shoot is to take place on a compound-like ranch in the middle of Bumfuck U.S.A. The star of the calendar is to be Cindy, a young hopeful trying to get her break in the world of modelling. Cindy’s boyfriend Johnny does his best to discourage her from her chosen career path and in the process makes himself out to be quite the dick head. He is quite an unlikable character and there seems to be very little chemistry between the two. They share one of the worst sex scenes I have ever seen on film: whilst they grope and moan in the kitchen most of the passion (?) is obscured by a boiling kettle on the stove. As their love-making comes to a climax they collapse to the floor as steam spouts from the whistling appliance. Yikes!

As Jack photographs his models in his ground-breaking, sexy scenarios (machine-guns, pirates, samurais, caveman rape scenes etc.) something very icky is happening behind the scenes. A hairy transvestite who dresses as a nurse and has serious mother-issues is randomly killing the models. By this time I had totally forgotten about the tranny from the opening sequence… I don’t know how, maybe I filed the memory away in the crawlspace of my twisted mind. The first model to croak has her throat sliced open while she bathes alone. Yeah right… nude models bathe alone? What do they take us for idiots?

The following murder is that of a young couple fornicating in their trailer. This scene is almost impossible to enjoy as the filmmaker has decided that it would be a good idea to have a strobe pulsating through the entire sex scene and throughout the resulting murder. I thought I was going to break into an epileptic fit. Needless to say this one was worse than the previously mentioned sex-scene abomination.

The random murders continue with the highlight being the bizarre death by cling-wrap killing. Johnny and Cindy must fight for their lives against the mysterious transvestite in the surgical mask. The true identity of the killer is revealed towards the end of the film, but you can probably guess who from just reading this review let alone watching two-thirds of the movie. So no big surprise there.

It probably sounds like I am rubbishing this movie, but it’s the faults and stupidity that makes this one so damn entertaining. If you are expecting lots of gore and/or nudity you will probably be seriously disappointed. But if you are looking for a few cheap laughs and a dose of campy trash, it’s worth the two bucks you’ll fork over to own it on DVD. Find it in the bargain bin at your local supermarket while stocks last.