Hard Ticket To Hawaii (1987)
“Just when you thought it was safe to take a pee”
Starring: Ronn Moss, Dona Spier & Hope Marie Carlton
Written & Directed by Andy Sidaris
To the uninitiated (and I’m assuming that would be most sane people) Andy Sidaris is a filmmaker whose genre would be best described as ‘chicks with guns’. They are jam-packed with nudity, explosions, gunfire and god-awful one-liners. They could only be a product of one decade: the eighties. And action films don’t get much more “eighties” than this flick. This is one of those films that would change your life if you saw it as a fourteen year old. The plot is minimal and the dialogue is terrible, but if you turn your brain off and focus on the boobies, weaponry and violence (as Sidaris certainly has) you’ll easily endure the awful writing and acting.
Dona Spier & Hope Marie Carlton (both Playboy Playmates circa 1984-5) play busty undercover female agents operating a charter plane service in Hawaii. They are asked to deliver a snake to a local resort but on the way stumble across a diamond smuggling racket. Fortunately the girls know kung-fu and with the aid of some ninja stars they defeat the baddies, secure the diamonds and escape home in their sea-plane. Dona says “Let’s hit the jacuzzi… I do my best thinking there” and they jump in the spa topless and discuss what they should do now that they are targets of a lethal crime syndicate. It may seem a little odd that at this crucial point in the plot the lead characters whip their tops off and go skinny dipping, but as these girls spend 50% off the film either naked or in bikinis you’ll get used to it. Perhaps it’s Sidaris’ ingenious method of making sure we pay attention to the dialogue scenes or possibly a technique to distract us from noticing holes in the plot. Gratuitous nudity would be an understatement.
Back to the plot… the bad guys decide to break into the girls’ house and rough them up a little. Bad idea fellas. After defeating the creeps the girls telephone their secret agent friends Harold Diamond and Ron Moss (yes, Ridge from Bold & The Beautiful) hoping to get a little back up. And just when things seem like they couldn’t get any worse they receive a call warning them the snake they have in the cage is contaminated from feeding on cancer infested rats. Worse still, the giant snake has escaped and cannot be found.
Highlights of this film (besides big boobs) are plentiful and rank among some of the most ridiculous ever shot. Ronn Moss takes out an armed guard with a Frisbee lined with razor blades. Moss blows away a skateboarder in mid-air with a rocket launcher and then a blow-up sex doll for the hell of it. The giant snake (which is really fake and rubbery looking) leaps out of an exploding toilet to attack Spier. The same snake attacks and kills honeymooners snapping a few naughty Polaroids. Messages are delivered by Chinese cooks to secret agents inside salad sandwiches. An evil female spy working in a local bar turns out to be a transvestite. Moss crashes through the wall of a house on a motorcycle. There’s a softcore fetish/bondage scene and much, much more.
It’s not exactly high art but will satisfy your thirst for eighties action cheese. It should appeal to any testosterone driven male or anyone that likes movies about babes with big bazookas (in both senses of the term). Believe it or not Dona Spier returned for six sequels to this film (including Guns with Erik Estrada), all were directed by Sidaris naturally.